Category: Clean Jokes

The Preacher And The Lawn Mower

This preacher was looking for a good used lawn mower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

“This mower work, son?” the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, “Sure does — just pull on the cord hard, though.”

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn”t start.Thinking he”d been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny’s house.

“You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.”

“Well,” Johnny said, “you need to curse at it sometimes.”

The preacher was aghast. “I”ve not done that in years!”

“Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It’ll come back to you.”

The Over Observant Son

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady.

The little boy says, “hey dad, look how fat that lady is!”

“Shhhh, quiet son, she”ll hear you.”

“But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!”

“Shhhhhh, don”t say that son, it’s not nice!”

“But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don”t say that son, it’s not nice and it’s rude!”

Suddenly the fat lady’s beeper goes off.

“Look out dad, she”s backing up!”

Sick In Church

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?”

“I didn”t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied.

“They have a box next to the front door that says, ”For the sick”

Johnny And The Bathroom

It’s the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class,”If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers.”

After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: “How will that help?”

The Lost Fish

Henry Abel’s son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.

His Mama asked him what the problem was.

“Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.”

“Now come on, David,” his mother said, “a big boy like you shouldn’t be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed.”

“That”s what I did, Mama.”

Blackmail

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don”t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don”t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.

A very bad homework excuse

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem, Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”

“Well, uh, yes, it is.” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once I”ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

“Oh, but that won”t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see,the plane was hijacked.”

Bitter End

Little Johnny”s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”

Little Johnny Playing In The Garden

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.

“Why not?”

“Because I ate her first!’,

Get To Sleep

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

Five minutes later… “Daaaa- aaaad…” ”

WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Designated Driver

EMAIL FROM A FRIEND:

Good Morning All,

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends
about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have had a few encounters with the
authorities on our way home from holiday parties.

A couple of nights ago my buddy Ron invited me to join him and
some of our pals at The Hornet’s Nest for some holiday cheer.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, and since
I can’t see too well at night to drive, I used common sense and did
something I had never done before – I took a cab home.

Sure enough I passed a police roadblock at Browning and Petersburg
Road, but since it was a cab they waved it on through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have
never driven a cab before and I am not sure where I got it, or what to do
with it now that it’s in my garage.

Hope you all have a great day,
(NAME WITHHELD)

Some Anagrams

More anagrams:

1. Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
2. Contradiction = Accord not in it
3. Debit card = Bad credit
4. Halley’s Comet = Shall yet come
5. Punishment = Nine Thumps
6. Astronomer = Moon starer
7. The Hurricanes = These churn air
8. Schoolmaster = The classroom

9. A whole sentence anagram:

“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”

becomes

“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”

10. One more sentence anagram for the road:

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” – Neil Armstrong

becomes:

“A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!”

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answered, “That’s easy. We’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman said, “Well, uh, that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and said, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair, and said, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responded, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and, in a very testy voice, asked, “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” He quickly added, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman was surprised and speechless because he really didn’t know himself if the suspect wore contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and get back to you on that.”

He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect’s file on his computer, and returned with a beaming smile.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

The New Parent Dictionary

ATTITUDE: What anyone who can solve your child’s problems has.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

GODSEND: any individual or group who offers to babysit for free!

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings (followed closely by “mine!”)

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house