One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
“Is that your grandmother?” I asked Chris when he boarded.
“Yes,” Chris said. “She”s come to visit us for Christmas.”
“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”
“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.’
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?”
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don”t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don”t really want to do that. I”m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that
when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn’t stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. says. “He needs a change.”
The father is very perplexed, ” But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!”
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,”Don”t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation,”Well what did you name them?”
The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That”s a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really *really* hard.”
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What happened?!?”
Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.”
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell ”before.”
He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O- R.”
The teacher says, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”
Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”
Again the teacher says, “No, that”s wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell ”before”?”
Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”
“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”
Little Johnny says, “That”s easy. Two plus two be fore.”
One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story.
Suzy said, “Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Next is little Lucy. “Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”.
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, “Don”t mess with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I”m doing.”
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don”t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“No, no, don”t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. “Doye think it”s the light that’s attractin” them?”
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
“And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, Mommy?”
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
This preacher was looking for a good used lawn mower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
“This mower work, son?” the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, “Sure does — just pull on the cord hard, though.”
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn”t start.Thinking he”d been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny’s house.
“You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.”
“Well,” Johnny said, “you need to curse at it sometimes.”
The preacher was aghast. “I”ve not done that in years!”
“Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It’ll come back to you.”